Unrequited love

Unrequited love is a love which is not reciprocated, one-sided, or more generally unequal, resulting in a yearning for more complete love. This might occur inside a relationship with unequal love, commitment, or effort between partners, or it might occur in a context where little or no relationship exists between the participants (even as in parasocial love for a celebrity). Lovesickness is the resulting mental state. Unrequited love generally pertains to the romantic, passionate, infatuated, obsessive, or limerent variety of love (also called "being in love"): a state which is conceptualized as a motivation or drive. This state is commonly distinguished from other types of love: companionate love (or attachment) and compassionate love (or agape). Reciprocal love is called "redamancy". According to the psychologist Dorothy Tennov, the state of being in love is distinguishable from the many other uses of the word "love" (such as caring or concern), for: "Affection and fondness have no 'objective'; they simply exist as feelings in which you are disposed toward actions to which the recipient might or might not respond." The psychiatrist Eric Berne wrote that "Some say one-sided love is better than none, but like half a loaf of bread, it is likely to grow hard and moldy sooner." Unequal (unrequited) love is more common than equal love, according to a study of students. In the ideal scenario, passionate or romantic love would progress with two people meeting, and developing a mutual attraction. This would culminate in a sudden rush of emotion, the escalation of intimacy and commitment, and increasingly more time spent together. However, this does not always happen, and often intense romantic love is one-sided.

Interdependence Rather than being a specific emotion itself, romantic love is believed to be a motivation or drive which elicits different emotions depending on the situation: positive feelings when things go well, and negative feelings when awry. Reciprocated love may elicit feelings of joy, ecstasy, or fulfillment, for example, but unrequited love may elicit feelings of sadness, anxiety, or despair. The feeling of romantic love may also be either pleasant or unpleasant, regardless of the intensity level. One of Dorothy Tennov's interview participants recalls being in love this way: "When I felt [Barry] loved me, I was intensely in love and deliriously happy; when he seemed rejecting, I was still intensely in love, only miserable beyond words." It is useful then to think of unrequited love in terms of interdependence theory, because the emotions felt and other outcomes are contingent on the actions of the people involved: the would-be lover's experience depends on the actions of the target of their love (the rejector), and vice versa. Among theorists of love, different perspectives have been given on whether the giving or receiving of love is more important. For example, Erich Fromm emphasized the giving and "the art of loving" as essential to happiness, whereas Carl Rogers emphasized the receiving of unconditional positive regard. Experiences of unrequited love, however, support the idea that neither giving nor receiving by itself is sufficient; rather, the mutual experience of reciprocated love is required for happiness.

Prevalence Unrequited love is common among young adults. A study by Roy Baumeister and Sarah Stillwell found that 92.8% of participants reported at least one "powerful or moderate" experience of unrequited love in the past 5 years. A different study found 63% had a "huge crush" at least once in the past 2 years (but not letting the person know), and unrequited love was four times more frequent than equal love. Another study found that 20% had experienced unrequited love more than 5 times, according to a definition that "When one is experiencing this emotion, it has been described as having one’s emotions on a roller coaster, finding it difficult to concentrate, and thinking constantly about the person with whom you are in love. The person is said to have the power to produce extreme highs and lows of emotion in you, depending on how he or she acts towards you."

Reasons for unrequited love Some people have a tendency to fall in love with people who are much more desirable than themselves, so their love tends to be unrequited; Roy Baumeister calls this kind of mismatch "falling upward". Research shows that relationships tend to be successful when the couple is more or less even in attractiveness, so Baumeister suggests that a mismatched relationship may be doomed. According to the "matching hypothesis", while a person might prefer a relationship with an extremely attractive person, they would rather not run the risk of rejection either, so relationships tend to be limited to partners who are similarly attractive. Unrequited love may find fertile ground to blossom in platonic friendships. Intimacy is the core of a love relationship, but the feelings may grow in only one person. Another type of scenario where unrequited love may occur is the early stage of a romantic relationship, where after dating for a time, one person's feelings begin to flourish, while the other wishes to discontinue the relation. This may be confusing for both parties, because of the reinforcement from initial reciprocation, and because rejectors may lack insight into their absence of growing desire despite some initial interest. Those with an anxious attachment style are slightly more prone to unrequited love than other attachment styles, and their fear of abandonment can also drive people away. Another general factor is the misreading of the beloved's nonverbal communications, mixed messages or other responses. Such misreadings are believed to create a partial reinforcement schedule which makes the feeling difficult to extinguish, prolonging the duration.

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